The Value of My Time
I was having dinner with a friend this week, catching up with each other after an unexpectedly hectic few months. During our conversation, we recounted all the challenges that had made it difficult to carve out some time to get together and catch up. The things we had sunk our time into and the things that had sucked time from us.
That got me thinking (a dangerous pastime, we know….) I’ve been considering those places where I willingly spend my time, and where it is or was more or less taken from me by force.
For many of us, time is the most valuable thing we have to spend, and the most limited, so where we spend it is kind of a big deal. While there are those things that we can’t avoid spending time on—work, the tasks of daily life and such—what we spend the remaining time involves choices we shouldn’t make lightly.
For me, one of those places that is pretty much an automatic ‘yes’ is my people. When my kids or husband call or invite me to do something, the answer is almost always yes, even if it is inconvenient or it wasn’t in my plans. Time with them is always worth it. I have a few dear friends with whom it is the same. Schedules get rearranged to eek out time with them. We even build in backup plans. So, if we’re try to sneak in a lunch together and there are two possible times, we’ll pick the earlier one and keep the other as an alternate in case life happens. Which happens often enough that we nearly always schedule that backup date now.
Funny thing is, the people that I will move heaven and earth to spend time with, they actually value the effort. Crazy, huh? They actually value the gift of time that I’m offering and act like it’s important to them. And what’s more, my kids are teaching their kids that.
I’ll take my older grandlings to my house to bake or craft, then out for lunch and to play at the local fast-food place (the 2-year-olds aren’t up for it yet.) The last time we went, they told me, “Thank you for taking time to spend with us.” Yes, they really said that! And I very nearly cried into my chicken nuggets. I can’t tell you how valued I felt at that moment.
On the other side of the coin are those folks who believe themselves entitled to my time, demanding it, disrespecting it, and declaring that enough of it hasn’t been offered to satisfy some vague-and-always-moving standard of judgement. You know the ones, those for whom you can never do enough. The ones who, when offered an hour, will require all day. When you say I can do this, but not that, ignore the boundary and try to force you into exactly what you said you couldn’t manage.
I fought with that a lot last year. Demands that ignored the boundaries I had set and then pressed for more. Situations laced with disrespect, disregard and judgement; no-win scenarios where the best I could do was to minimize the losses and damage. Yeah, it was a really fun time.
I hung in for months, thinking I could do enough, pour in enough time, energy, commitment, you name it. But finally, exhausted and pretty well defeated, I realized that those demanding more and more and more didn’t actually value my time—or me. They valued what I did for them or could do for them, but not my time, my energy, or anything about me. It wasn’t about connection or relationship. It was all about them and only them.
Ouch.
I really didn’t like that revelation. Argued with myself about it. Should-ed on myself for it. But at the end of the day, and with the support of those who do value me and my time, I had to accept it.
What was more, I had to do something about it.
And that thing was to say ‘no’ and make it stick. Ick.
I’d much rather say yes. ‘Yes’ feels good and warm and fuzzy. ‘No’ makes you the bad guy. I don’t like feeling like the bad guy—probably most of us don’t. But my people helped me be accountable to that decision, supported me, listened to me fuss and moan about it.
It has made a difference. Not pouring the valuable limited resource of my time into those who treated it as a cheap entitlement has given me back much more than time alone. Sanity, self-respect, and energy are high on the list of things that have returned to life. A pretty reasonable trade, all told.
It’s been hard, and I still have to fight with the guilt and the ‘shoulds’ on occasion. Still, not just learning, but embracing the value of my time has been worth it.
If they do not value your time, I doubt whether you were to say yes, or no, means anything to them. They will move on and find someone else. Ever since I learned to “just say no” , I have had more time to write and to read and I have been able to take some courses to furthur my knowledge.
I am always amazed that people always seem to have a better idea of how I should be spending my time than I do. I could never understand how they could find the time to even think about my time and still allot their time effectively. No is a tool unfortunately that we don’t get a handle on until it’s too late.
Please be assured that I appreciate the extra time and care you allocate to us. You are very generous!
May you forgive yourself for standing up for yourself, when realizing that you were being de-valued by those purporting to value you. That is a difficult job for all in your position who actually care sbout the feelings of those who do not care about yours.
Which makes me want to grandstand a bit:
As I observe the publishing cycles of many of my favorite authors (yourself being high on the list), I often worry that publishers push the life right our of suthors in pursuit of the almight dollar—of course, going to the publisher. If this is the case for you, know your readers value you and your quality of life, fsr more than having a new 300+ page book to read each month. Please, take care of yourself so that you have a supply from which to draw to care and share with others. Respectfully.