Just before Christmas I saw a Facebook post that has stuck with me. I can’t remember the pretty image that went with it, but the text said “Nice People aren’t always Good and Good people aren’t always Nice.”

It was accompanied by a personal story which demonstrated the point. In short, the argument was made that those people who act sweet, nice, generous, or thoughtful may not actually be good.

There are many names for these folks: wolves in sheep’s clothing, the snakes in the grass, fair weather friends, and a plethora of other colorful turns of phrase. They want to be your friend, they are kind, helpful, even giving, sometimes an apparent paragon of virtue, the milk of human kindness running through their veins. At least until they are not.

Revealing the Wolf

The day you disagree with them, balk at doing their bidding, hold a firm opinion, then everything changes, often in a head spinning turn of events. Fangs are bared, claws unsheathed, your character questioned, even your mental health diagnosed. Their ‘niceness’ dissolves until their true ugly form is revealed for you (and probably no one else) to see.

(Just an aside, usually these aspersions are far more reflective of the accuser than the accused, but that’s probably another post entirely.)

You question your sanity. Is this possible, this person I liked, trusted, respected, maybe even looked up to, has suddenly turned into a monster aimed at destroying me. Worse still, everyone else still thinks they are so ‘nice’ that the problem has to be with you. They could not possibly be anything other than the nice, sweet lovely person that they know.

Your allies side with the monster. Somehow your word that used to be good and trustworthy is now flawed and dangerous. You cannot possibly know what you are talking about. You must be the monster.

 And you are left to lick your wounds and fend for yourself.

I have had a number of these people in my life. I’ve even been told that it is my fault, I bring it out in people and I need to be ‘nicer’ and not upset people.

I suspect I am not the only one.

Becoming Wolf-Proof

I’ve yet to find a surefire way of becoming wolf-proof. But there are a few things I’ve discovered along the way.

Look for the fruit and you’ll know the root. I try not to take people at face value anymore. When someone seems super likeable, I try to step back and look at a bigger picture.

What are their other relationships like? Is there a trail of betrayal and broken friendships? How do they talk about others? It is a constant litany of how badly they’ve been treated and what they’ve done about it?

How do they react when someone disagrees with them? How do they handle criticism? Do they accept it thoughtfully or do they blow up?

Are you suddenly their favorite, most important person in the world? Do they want you to depend on you too much? This one in particular is a really scary sign for me. Wolves are predators, and predators rush.

People who are good and caring won’t be in a rush to demand your loyalty or affections.

I confess, I’m still a work in progress on this point, learning to watch for signs of teeth and fangs (often bared on social media) and to a safe distance when I do.

So, my friends, continue to be fiercely kind, but protect yourself as you do.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments.