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A Regency Guide to Courtship — 4 Comments

  1. Perhaps today’s current idea of courtship could be improved on if people thought of their potential marriage partners as friends or best friends so that they could stand the test of time as well!

  2. Then, as now, there is too great an emphasis on “feeling in love.” Love is actually a VERB, not a noun. Feelings change, but actions can stand.

    The underlying essential for marriage is respect. It is very possible to build a good, strong, marriage on respect for the other person (person; not money, position, or connections), even without “being in love,” but nearly impossible to build a marriage while “in love” with someone you don’t respect. (More likely, don’t yet know well enough to know if you can respect them.) Mr Bennett did not respect his wife, although he was at least infatuated with her when they married, and his regret was obvious. Charlotte Collins could respect Mr Collins’ position and profession, but not him as a person; she was prone eventually to know regret as strong as that of Mr Bennett. At least one was certain, back then, that there would be no religious or cultural issues to add more stumbling blocks. People did not marry outside their own faith, and the culture was as stratified as society – no mixing there, either. People today think “love can conquer all” only to find that many of the “minor differences” turn into insurmountable problems after marriage, and especially after children.

    The mores of the time certainly made it far harder than it need be to find a decent mate. No substantive conversations allowed; meaningless small talk only. Entire crucial topics like finance, attitude towards children and child-rearing, and more, completely forbidden. The “impropriety” for a woman to express interest in a man. The dearth of men, due to the wars with Napoleon. The disparagement of the honest professions of younger sons while lauding dissolute behavior among their eldest brothers. While I love historical fiction it often seems to me that ONE good, forthright conversation would resolve most if not all of the conflicts in the stories. Yet having those very conversations is not permitted among “respectable” people.

  3. “Even if a suitor made the first move…” [hello, Mr. Bingley] … while poor Jane was expected to act with “considerable reserve and not openly encourage a man’s suit.” So then why was Darcy so against her for NOT showing her feelings? I think it was because of the fear of his increasing feelings for Elizabeth. He was going against propriety for women in casting Jane as the problem. He needed to get away and this was his excuse to leave and take Bingley with him. NOT cool, Darcy.

    Refusing unwanted attention: Mr. Collins had the nerve to suggest that Elizabeth might not have another offer of marriage. He could only hope.

    I love your posts.

  4. I am just so happy to live in modern times…not only because of the courtship rules but all the modern conveniences and freedoms AND modern medicine. Your articles are always so educational. Thanks for sharing.

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