Excuse Me, That’s my Story, Not Yours
With all the births and death in the family this summer I’ve been spending a great deal of time around people, mostly relatives, who are telling stories. Lots of stories; stories about the past, about the family, about their experiences. As a (more or less) professional story teller myself, I’ve been doing a lot of listening to these stories and thinking about them.
One of the storytellers in question has a penchant for telling stories about others, particularly ones revealing details, sometimes embarrassing, always personal, and usually riding the line of inappropriate. At one point, the story turned to me and something embarrassing that happened four decades ago. No doubt many of you can relate to the feelings of discomfort and humiliation that rose up, not entirely unlike the feelings present at the time the incident happened all those years ago.
Acutely uncomfortable, I left the room and allowed the narrative to continue without me. I don’t particularly enjoy the sensation of being embarrassed for someone else’s amusement, and I rather dislike the fact that the story was about me, but I had no opportunity to correct the flaws in the storytelling, nor to represent my side of the story.
It got worse though. After I left the room, I could hear that same relative explaining to another relative how I had been mistreated by yet a different relative, how that affected me, and how they needed to understand the problems this had caused me and adjust their expectations accordingly.
Mortified—that’s the only word I can use to accurately describe the feelings of the moment. I was absolutely mortified.
And angry.
I had the clear sense of having something stolen from me, of being violated by the revelation of something I would not have chosen to talk about, of being slandered by the inaccuracies of the account, and being disrespected by being reduced to an object to be talked about. Although the storyteller in question, no doubt, did not intend those feelings, and was probably trying to be kind in some warped sort of fashion, the result was anything but.
Even more difficult was the fact that, if I were to have protested at the time, I would have been branded as the one without a sense of humor, too sensitive, no fun, the list goes one. (Is it any wonder why I am a rather reluctant participant in these sorts of gatherings?)
I am left with some very difficult considerations about how to go forward with these relatives in light of what happened. Do I try to correct the one what can’t restrain themselves from telling everyone’s stories? Do I defend myself to the ones who listened to the slander? Do I divorce myself all together from these family gatherings, lick my wounds, and limit myself to company who is more apt to permit me a voice?
Honestly, I am not sure yet. Stay tuned for future developments.
As miserable as the experience has been, I am grateful for the perspective I have gained from it. Authors are cautioned to tread carefully when, or avoid all together, telling stories from points of view which are foreign to them. That was exactly what my loud relative was doing. Telling my story, my point of view, without any clue of just how much they did not understand about my experiences or perspectives, or about just how deeply demeaning or offensive it was.
So now, while I have tried to heed and appreciate that caution, it has an entirely new meaning to me. There’s noting like a little first-hand experience to make what I had accepted as good practice, a much more critical mandate, both in my writing and in life in general. We should tell our own stories and tell them very well. Equally as important though, we must allow others the voice to tell their own and not presume to tell those stories for them, no matter how much we think we understand.
You are in a lose-lose situation. If everyone already knows this person’s penchant for telling tall tales [and usually inaccurately] you don’t have to say anything. They may have tuned them out and didn’t hear half of what they said. If you say anything, you draw attention to them, to the story, to yourself and it never turns out to your benefit. Don’t feed what you want to starve. There may come a time when you can say something in private. But even then, they go on the defensive and say you have attacked them. So… again… a lose-lose situation. It is better to let the situation die from neglect. Just wait and see how the wind blows. If you need to avoid them, stay on the other side of the room or roll your eyes and shake your head. That sends a signal better than anything. Blessings.
A really challenging issue you have pinpointed especially for writers, who are sort of professional empaths, trying to put themselves in others’s shoes, especially in a large novel with many fictional characters. It seems like a good reason to have others read or hear our writing as a reality check. In private life, the dictum not to tell others’ stories for them, or worse, against them, seems much more clear cut. Thanks for your thoughtful piece, and I hope the sting of this incident heals over time for you.
I agree with J.W. Garret. You can’t win. So, yes, roll your eyes and shake your head, then head somewhere else.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
I’ve struggled with the same, people telling stories about me that they think are funny, but are actually hurtful, because they deny me the opportunity to tell it myself.
I’ve also been on the other end, where expressing how much I wish I could have been diagnosed earlier in life and how much of a difference it would have made led to my mother complaining that she felt attacked and guilty, when realistically there wasn’t much more she could have done. Other relatives promptly chimed in with comments about how good a job she did, raising one smart kid and two additional needs twins.
Like, I know that wasn’t the intention of my mother’s comment, or my anecdote, and she has a point: Awareness of Autism, particularly in girls, has grown by leaps and bounds in the past decade or so, but in the early 90s or even the early 00s, there’s no psych in the world that would have taken my Low-Support case seriously.
(Sure, it would have mitigated years of bullying and learning difficulties, and I would have had a lot fewer teachers calling me lazy or inattentive, but hey, let’s make it all about you…)
It is a feeling we have probably all had at some time or another and your reaction is what we have felt. I’m uncertain about ignoring the malicious gossip. I tried talking to the perpetrator to little avail and the letting the situation develop on its own for over a half of a year. Thoughts of the person’s potential further unwanted interference became a near consuming thought any time I was not busy. Finally, I said no mire and sat down individually with those closest family members and told them how I felt about the way the situation was developing. I explained my expectations and my decision to separate from them if necessary for my own mental health. Then I broke off all contact with the perpetrator. Immediately I felt better, but I will admit it changed me and the relationship I have with the ones I spoke directly to. It’s a choice you have to make for yourself. Can you stand in the corner looking the other way, or would you be happier telling the person how you felt when you heard them tell your story and then not have further contact with them? Not an easy decision, but only you can make it. It’s a universal hurt and one you can explore in your novels. What would Elizabeth Bennet do? I bet something quite different from what her sister Jane would do. Play with it through them or another couple of characters. It may help you decide what’s best for you.
None of us are going to handle the situation the same way because all of the participants have different personalities and mentalities. As a retired educator of students who learn differently and have special needs, my primary concern in all things is that people be treated with respect. The person who has to “tell someone else’s story” no matter how it makes him or her feel has no respect for that person or persons being humiliated or offended. Yes, sometimes you can sit down and explain your feelings and POV, and perhaps the individual might have the grace and humility to not only hear what you are saying, but “actually walk in your shoes.” Repeated patterns of behavior are very telling. Once we reach a certain age, shaking our heads and saying, “Oh, that’s just so and so. You know how he or she is.” Really? Does the offended and humiliated person need to leave the room feeling violated? What if it’s a child? My cousin embarrassed his 30 year old grandson in front of family members, and he stood by his word. He refused to attend our family reunion with his grandfather. I recently experienced a phone conference with a family member and decided that I had had enough as well. I am 64. It took a 30 year old to demonstrate that we need to “assist our story tellers” in telling their own stories, not someone else’s.
I definitely agree with Jeanne! You can’t win no matter which option you choose so just try to ignore the conversation as having heard it many times before and pretend it doesn’t bother you as it’s not totally true anyway. Stick with your supportive family and friends as much as possible and I do hope this memory fades soon!
I had a similar experience with a family member at family gatherings to the extent that I finally said in the middle of her story “Wow, it’s almost like you were there, but you weren’t , were you….” then saluted her and left. I also was hurt and mortified, how dare she presume to KNOW me! To explain me! Then I was told I had hurt her feelings! Needless to say there is no winning in this situation, just surviving. Some people tell these stories because they get some bizarre sense of self worth by being the person who ” understands” you and “sympathizes” with you and is really in your corner. Or they are just mean gossipy old hens. The thing is, it IS your story and those things, however they distort them, are the things you lived through and learned from and made you stronger. It hurts to have it brought up and misrepresented by someone you are supposed to be able to trust. You have to decide whether to let that persons actions weigh into how you live the story you are writing right now by your presence in the world. This is the point where you should always ask yourself, what would my cat do? That has worked great for me in these situations in cutting through and divorcing myself from the emotional drama that is extended family. All you have to do is live your life, be the person you want to be. People only have the power over you you allow them to have. You will come out of this stronger and wiser for it, just let it ride and learn from it. How are your kitties? Best therapy is cat therapy, good luck!
I am so sorry this happened to you. Like other posters, I don’t think you can confront the speaker and come out on top. As the previous poster has said, you have to decide on your own how you live today. Filter out the bad and be like the duck, let it slide right off of you. Maybe the have the presence of mind the next time this come up, speak up and say “this is old history, let’s move on” and DRASTICALLY change this subject. Since I live in Texas, I always say “How about those Cowboys”. Be well
I say, say something mild but nonconfrontational.
I must admit I collect and retell others’ stories. But these are unusual anecdotes I collect. While it is said that everyone has a story, that’s only true if they recognize and remember it. It’s amazing how many people do not. Remember how Churchill said history would be kind to him as he was the one who would tell it? That’s me. I remember the stories others forgot and are happy to hear again.
However, retelling painful or difficult stories is completely different from my relating that a co-worker’s dad was one of 28 children and they lived in an entire apartment building in Montreal, with only the youngest in the parents’ apartment and the next youngest in the nearest apartments. And still the priest came by every year to insist the parents continue to multiply…
The problem with saying nothing is that the story gets farther and farther from the truth and travels farther and farther afield. Mr Darcy lived to regret not telling his side of Wickham’s tales. Admittedly, not all narrators are purposely / viciously misleading. I do distort stories for the purpose of humour — but try to restrict myself to stories that show my own foibles, not those of others.
Perhaps an upsetting narrative could be interrupted by a concise version. “That was a difficult time for me. I was fortunate to have the support of dear family and friends at the time who protected me and my privacy when ( insert briefest & blandest possible account here).
Another option is taking the tale-teller aside, saying how fond you are of her/him, and adding you know they would never want to embarrass or hurt you once they knew this story was one you worked to put behind you. Say that now they know, perhaps another time they could chose a different memory to relate.
For forty years my husband’s unathletic best friend has loved telling how my husband Terry persuaded him to join a pick-up basketball game, then Terry inadvertently broke the friend’s finger while coming down from a jump shot. When my husband passed away and the friend asked what he could do for us, I asked him to stop telling that story that always made Terry cringe. He stopped. I could see it was hard, but he stopped.
I do know some juicy stories that could expose villains who deserve to be exposed, but that cannot be done without great pain to their innocent victims. Fortunately the bad guys did not reoffend. I have been vocal about repeat offenders.
I agree with Garrett, Meg and Joan. In your personal situation, you have to do what is best for you. I especially like Meg’s suggestion that you include a situation with similar structure in a book or short story — or even more than one. That way you can explore different responses and the effects on other characters.
My only experiences occurred in a work situation with my supervisor telling others inaccurate stories about me sometimes in my presence or to me directly with colleagues present. One such incident became one of the reasons I resigned that job and retired. In family settings, we would tell stories about each other from a POV that did not include the target of the story, but it was done as a legendary family prank story with no malicious intent. That hasn’t happened for many years because I live in a different part of the country — and I sometimes miss that connection now that we are the oldest family members who pass the stories on to nieces and nephews.
Personally, in a situation like yours, I would consider the importance of the story, whether others would or could be harmed, and the relevance of the story teller to my life. Sometimes confrontation is necessary, but it may or may not work. In other situations, refusing to associate with the story teller and inactive listeners would be the only choice for me. My comment to you is my ubiquitous answer to most database problems presented to me or my students is “It depends ….”. The best thing to do depends on many variables. There are many possible answers depending on the circumstances of each individual case.
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