If You Think That’s Bad…
With so much happening right now, everyone is experiencing difficult things. Some mildly difficult, some moderately difficult, and some catastrophically difficult. No one has escaped.
Just turning on the news seems a cascade of one awful, heartrending thing after another. No matter what your viewpoint, political affiliation, defining issue, or fear, there is sure to be something to shred the very fabric of your equanimity and leave you a little puddle of aching goo on the floor.
I wish I was being melodramatic here, but I really don’t think I am. Just the decision to watch or read the news these days seems to be far more fraught than it used to be.
Day by day, it seems like we are raking up sorrows, major and minor, at an alarming rate and our human nature compels us to share them, trying to find solace in our heartache. In the midst of this, I have noticed a very odd phenomenon.
Well if you think that’s bad….
Actually, it’s more like two related phenomena. The first is that I find myself thinking very hard about sharing anything at all. After all, when I really look at the things I am aching over, they pale in comparison to what so many others are experiencing. Do I really have a right to complain about a graduation that didn’t happen or the loss of a pet when so many have missed and lost so much more?
Yes, grief is grief, loss is loss, and it does not have to be justified in comparison to anyone else. That is true. But it doesn’t mean that the thoughts don’t whizz through my brain like Gulf Coast sized mosquitoes that need airport clearance to land.
The other oddness in all of this—and something which encourages me to think long and hard to justify my grief—is a response that I just don’t know how to react to. Have you ever shared something that was difficult, painful, or just perplexing to you with someone and had them turn to you and say “Well if you think that’s bad you should hear what’s happened to me…” Or something along those lines at least.
I hear that a lot, and I still haven’t figured out how to react. On the one hand, that person is usually right. What they are about to tell me is much worse that what I shared. I want to be polite and compassionate and kind and hear them out, maybe even offer words of support.
At the same time, in another part of my brain, I really want to shake them hard and tell them how invalidating and hurtful it is to have what was important to me stomped on as though —and this sounds weird to say—it is not bad enough to count as something significant.
Just bizarre, isn’t it? It’s almost as though acknowledging my pain somehow invalidates or takes away from their own. Or maybe it’s just the need to be the best at something, even if it is having the most awful thing happen. I don’t’ know.
At any rate, it does leave me with the question of whether I even have the right to be sad. And my friends, that just sucks.
Is Anything Good Happening?
On the flip side, it also leaves me in a quandary about sharing anything good that happens. Is it insensitive or callous to want someone to rejoice with me when good things happen? The birth of our first granddaughter last month was a pretty awesome thing, but I had to think hard about sharing it out of respect for those who have lost people important to them in the pandemic.
It feels like the tone of tragedy makes it easy for good things brushed aside in favor of the more serious and often sad bits of news.
I confess, though, that is not the only reason I have been hesitant to talk about the good things.
Those same people who respond to my grief with “Well you think that’s bad…” tend to take good news and turn it into, “Well that’s nice, but you know what (bad thing) happened to me …” and suddenly the nugget of joy I hoped to spread has been transmogrified into another opportunity to swim in the rapidly filling Pit of Despair. And I’m left asking, does hoping someone can rejoice with me, even a little, mean I’m unconcerned about what they may be going through? Am I some sort of indifferent clod to think or even hope that good things deserve a shout-out too?
I’m not proud of it, but I find as I ponder these questions, I am keeping my good news close to the chest so that those precious warm feelings are not stolen away by the misfortune held up beside it and the implication that I am somehow oblivious for wanting to offer a ray of sunshine.
A Gift We All Need
All this pondering has left me a little philosophical, which is nearly as dangerous as asking a writer ‘What If?” And that contemplation has reminded me that aching for someone to allow me to feel without judgement and even feel those things with me actually has a name.
Empathy.
Wikipedia offers a pretty good definition of empathy: Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position. Definitions of empathy encompass a broad range of emotional states.
It’s that what we all need right now? The ability to get out of our own skin and see the world through the eyes of someone else who’s feeling and seeing different things? Different pain. Different joys. And maybe for a little bit, join them in that place, share it with them—all without applying our own lens of judgement on them—and help them to feel that they’re not all alone in it.
Somehow, I think it would go a long way in the midst of all the craziness toward making the world just a little more bearable for us all. At least it is worth a try.
So, I’m going to try to empathize with dismiss my sorrows and deflect my joy. I’m going to strive to see the world through their eyes and not critique them for it. And I’m going to cherish those who can extend that same gift to me.
WOW!!! THANK YOU Marie Grace for so exquisitely putting into words –> a making me have a “feel good” especially nowadays BIG SIGH These quotation from Maya Angelou says what your JAFF and your writings do for me:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
and
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
Thank you for sharing the poet’s wise words in response to Maria’s heartfelt essay.
I totally agree with both of you and strive to be an empathetic person with compassion for other’s viewpoints.
Sometimes anger interrupts my good intentions, but then anger in itself can also be constructive. An energy to change something.
Maria, you gave me pause and cause to feel good about a friend who shared good news with me yesterday. It is good to know that I still have empathy for others because I was beginning to feel that I had grown increasingly cynical. I am a recently retired educator praying ? for all educators worldwide, not just America. My friend went on a job ? interview for a teaching position at a new school because she was miserable at her old school. When she called, I could hear the joy in her voice, something that I had not heard in almost a year! I was thrilled for her, and I was able to let her joy infuse my battered soul! I guess people no longer realize ? just how important it is right now to hear good news ? news about anything! Congratulations on your first granddaughter! In spite of all this misery and death, life continues, which is a good thing. It really would be a horrible world and difficult ? to get up out of the bed ? if nothing good ? was occurring in the world ? or our lives. Personally, I want to hear some good news for a change. We need to fill each other’s buckets every day with positive comments and thoughts because it will sustain us as we move forward.
I never thought about this but you are so right! I really hope that I’m not guilty of this, I do struggle to make conversation sometimes but I would hope I wouldn’t resort to this type of oneupmanship!
Many congratulations on the birth of your granddaughter, I hope you’ve been able to have cuddles? There is nothing better than cuddling a baby so I do hope so.
I haven’t been able to see my grandsons except for on screen as my twins are in nursery and I’m on the ‘at risk’ list. My other grandsons are in Australia so goodness knows when I’ll see them next. (This is just sharing grandchildren info and hopefully doesn’t qualify as ‘if you think that’s bad’?)
Hoping you and your family stay safe and healthy ?
Maria, I agree with the need for empathy. The Bible tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
Congratulations, a new grand baby is such a blessing. As was stated above, there is a sense of hope in the future when a new life enters our world. I hope you are able to enjoy this gift as much as possible.
God bless you in this perilous times.
I finally had to quit watching TV. I didn’t even turn on my computer until about an hour ago and I am still going through my emails and newsfeeds. I just can’t handle it. I can handle congratulating you on the new addition to your family. 2020 will be a year to remember. It will be interesting to see what that generation accomplishes as they were born in such a stressful time. If that statement about the loss of a pet was you… I am so sorry. I know you love your pets. Blessings to you and yours… be careful, stay safe, healthy, and know that we love and support you in your good times and sad times.
Maria, I am overjoyed for you and your family with the birth of your new grandchild! What a blessing, what a dear, dear blessing. I’m so happy for you all. And a girl!!! Insert many pink hearts here. I have every heartfelt thought going out toward her parents. This is such a strange time right now to be going through a ‘typically’ stressful time in your life which so often can bewilder us. It’s so worth it though. (more hearts)
Oh Woman! My heart goes out to you. I’ve been aware of, and hesitating to read this post for a few days. This is something I have to deal with a lot (no, not right now gratefully,) doesn’t everyone? I have experienced this at the most stressful times of my life though, which just broke my heart. However, I know this person through and through and that she is a wonderful human being and she does have her own plate full. It’s not worth losing a very long friendship over to walk away.
I greatly fear I have done this to others, although I strive not to with every action or reaction . Or that I have done something like the following….. God forgive me!
I also know that some people just do not know how to show sympathy or empathy toward others-strangers and friends alike. And that going the route of naming something awful they experienced is their only way (yes, self serving) to show the other person that they know what they’re going through. We’re supposed to have evolved, and indeed many of us have risen above where we came from. But I was raised in a family that did not trust good fortune or happiness. Always grief right around the corner. I think these things kind of go hand in hand somehow. Sounds like a terrible excuse though, doesn’t it?
I cannot watch the news, haven’t been able to for a very long time. I miss the strictly local station we had down in TX. But once the 2016 election campaign got up and going I zoned out of national news. Couldn’t take it any more. But there are always ways to get news and you can’t pick up a paper (less biased) or go on social media and be exposed, and of course we’ve all needed to know what COVID-19 is doing to our world. But day after day after day. DEPRESSING as heck. We all have friends and relatives on the front lines to worry over. Sigh…
I may never hear what was so sad in your life, Maria, that you received that selfish response to but I pray that you do have the support to move through it. God bless you and your family. Please pull through and stay safe.
Deep thoughts…thanks for sharing. During the pandemic all of us certainly see people near and out in the world with suffering but life goes on, children are born, goals are met, celebrations happen, illnesses and death come. If we are realistic we know we all have our good and our bad times. Sharing both is healthy. We all could use support in those times. Plus we should give it back in our turn on the other side.